THE BLACK DWARF
CONTENTS.
I. Tales of my Landlord
- Introduction by "Jedediah Cleishbotham"
II. Introduction to THE BLACK DWARF
III. Main text of THE BLACK DWARF
Note: Footnotes in the printed book have been inserted in the
etext in square brackets ("[]") close to the place where
they were referenced by a suffix in the original text.
Text in italics has been written in capital letters.
*
I. TALES OF MY LANDLORD
COLLECTED AND REPORTED BY JEDEDIAH CLEISHBOTHAM,
SCHOOLMASTER AND PARISH-CLERK OF GANDERCLEUGH.
INTRODUCTION.
As I may, without vanity, presume that the name and official
description prefixed to this Proem will secure it, from the
sedate and reflecting part of mankind, to whom only I would be
understood to address myself, such attention as is due to the
sedulous instructor of youth, and the careful performer of my
Sabbath duties, I will forbear to hold up a candle to the
daylight, or to point out to the judicious those recommendations
of my labours which they must necessarily anticipate from the
perusal of the title-page. Nevertheless, I am not unaware, that,
as Envy always dogs Merit at the heels, there may be those who
will whisper, that albeit my learning and good principles cannot
(lauded be the heavens) be denied by any one, yet that my
situation at Gandercleugh hath been more favourable to my
acquisitions in learning than to the enlargement of my views of
the ways and works of the present generation. To the which
objection, if, peradventure, any such shall be started, my answer
shall be threefold:
First, Gandercleugh is, as it were, the central part--the navel
(SI FAS SIT DICERE) of this our native realm of Scotland; so that
men, from every corner thereof, when travelling on their
concernments of business, either towards our metropolis of law,
by which I mean Edinburgh, or towards our metropolis and mart of
gain, whereby I insinuate Glasgow, are frequently led to make
Gandercleugh their abiding stage and place of rest for the night.
And it must be acknowledged by the most sceptical, that I, who
have sat in the leathern armchair, on the left-hand side of the
fire, in the common room of the Wallace Inn, winter and summer,
for every evening in my life, during forty years bypast (the
Christian Sabbaths only excepted), must have seen more of the
manners and customs of various tribes and people, than if I had
sought them out by my own painful travel and bodily labour. Even
so doth the tollman at the well-frequented turn-pike on the
Wellbraehead, sitting at his ease in his own dwelling, gather
more receipt of custom, than if, moving forth upon the road, he
were to require a contribution from each person whom he chanced
to meet in his journey, when, according to the vulgar adage, he
might possibly be greeted with more kicks than halfpence.
But, secondly, supposing it again urged, that Ithacus, the most
wise of the Greeks, acquired his renown, as the Roman poet hath
assured us, by visiting states and men, I reply to the Zoilus who
shall adhere to this objection, that, DE FACTO, I have seen
states and men also; for I have visited the famous cities of
Edinburgh and Glasgow, the former twice, and the latter three
times, in the course of my earthly pilgrimage. And, moreover, I
had the honour to sit in the General Assembly (meaning, as an
auditor, in the galleries thereof), and have heard as much goodly
speaking on the law of patronage, as, with the fructification
thereof in mine own understanding, hath made me be considered as
an oracle upon that doctrine ever since my safe and happy return
to Gandercleugh.
Again--and thirdly, If it be nevertheless pretended that my
information and knowledge of mankind, however extensive, and
however painfully acquired, by constant domestic enquiry, and by
foreign travel, is, natheless, incompetent to the task of
recording the pleasant narratives of my Landlord, I will let
these critics know, to their own eternal shame and confusion as
well as to the abashment and discomfiture of all who shall rashly
take up a song against me, that I am NOT the writer, redacter, or
compiler, of the Tales of my Landlord; nor am I, in one single
iota, answerable for their contents, more or less. And now, ye
generation of critics, who raise yourselves up as if it were
brazen serpents, to hiss with your tongues, and to smite with
your stings, bow yourselves down to your native dust, and
acknowledge that yours have been the thoughts of ignorance, and
the words of vain foolishness. Lo! ye are caught in your own
snare, and your own pit hath yawned for you. Turn, then, aside
from the task that is too heavy for you; destroy not your teeth
by gnawing a file; waste not your strength by spurning against a
castle wall; nor spend your breath in contending in swiftness
with a fleet steed; and let those weigh the Tales of my Landlord,
who shall bring with them the scales of candour cleansed from the
rust of prejudice by the hands of intelligent modesty. For these
alone they were compiled, as will appear from a brief narrative
which my zeal for truth compelled me to make supplementary to the
present Proem.
It is well known that my Landlord was a pleasing and a facetious
man, acceptable unto all the parish of Gandercleugh, excepting
only the Laird, the Exciseman, and those for whom he refused to
draw liquor upon trust. Their causes of dislike I will touch
separately, adding my own refutation thereof.
His honour, the Laird, accused our Landlord, deceased, of having
encouraged, in various times and places, the destruction of
hares, rabbits, fowls black and grey, partridges, moor-pouts,
roe-deer, and other birds and quadrupeds, at unlawful seasons,
and contrary to the laws of this realm, which have secured, in
their wisdom, the slaughter of such animals for the great of the
earth, whom I have remarked to take an uncommon (though to me, an
unintelligible) pleasure therein. Now, in humble deference to
his honour, and in justifiable defence of my friend deceased, I
reply to this charge, that howsoever the form of such animals
might appear to be similar to those so protected by the law, yet
it was a mere DECEPTIO VISUS; for what resembled hares were, in
fact, HILL-KIDS, and those partaking of the appearance of moorfowl, were truly WOOD PIGEONS and consumed and eaten EO NOMINE,
and not otherwise.
Again, the Exciseman pretended, that my deceased Landlord did
encourage that species of manufacture called distillation,
without having an especial permission from the Great, technically
called a license, for doing so. Now, I stand up to confront this
falsehood; and in defiance of him, his gauging-stick, and pen and
inkhorn, I tell him, that I never saw, or tasted, a glass of
unlawful aqua vitae in the house of my Landlord; nay, that, on
the contrary, we needed not such devices, in respect of a
pleasing and somewhat seductive liquor, which was vended and
consumed at the Wallace Inn, under the name of MOUNTAIN DEW. If
there is a penalty against manufacturing such a liquor, let him
show me the statute; and when he does, I''ll tell him if I will
obey it or no.
Concerning those who came to my Landlord for liquor, and went
thirsty away, for lack of present coin, or future credit, I
cannot but say it has grieved my bowels as if the case had been
mine own. Nevertheless, my Landlord considered the necessities
of a thirsty soul, and would permit them, in extreme need, and
when their soul was impoverished for lack of moisture, to drink
to the full value of their watches and wearing apparel,
exclusively of their inferior habiliments, which he was uniformly
inexorable in obliging them to retain, for the credit of the
house. As to mine own part, I may well say, that he never
refused me that modicum of refreshment with which I am wont to
recruit nature after the fatigues of my school. It is true, I
taught his five sons English and Latin, writing, book-keeping,
with a tincture of mathematics, and that I instructed his
daughter in psalmody. Nor do I remember me of any fee or
HONORARIUM received from him on account of these my labours,
except the compotations aforesaid. Nevertheless this
compensation suited my humour well, since it is a hard sentence
to bid a dry throat wait till quarter-day.
But, truly, were I to speak my simple conceit and belief, I think
my Landlord was chiefly moved to waive in my behalf the usual
requisition of a symbol, or reckoning, from the pleasure he was
wont to take in my conversation, which, though solid and edifying
in the main, was, like a well-built palace, decorated with
facetious narratives and devices, tending much to the enhancement
and ornament ...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Go to the beginning of the document
Go to previous page
Go to next page
Go to the end of document
