THE SHADOW LINE
A CONFESSION
By JOSEPH CONRAD
"Worthy of my undying regard"
TO
BORYS
AND ALL OTHERS WHO, LIKE HIMSELF, HAVE CROSSED
IN EARLY YOUTH THE SHADOW LINE OF
THEIR GENERATION WITH LOVE
PART ONE
THE SHADOW LINE
--D'autre fois, calme plat, grand miroir
De mon desespoir.
--BAUDELAIRE
I
ONLY the young have such moments. I mean the very young. No. The very young have,
properly speaking, no moments. It is the privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days
in all the beautiful continuity of hope which
knows no pauses and no introspection.
One closes behind one the little gate of mere
boyishness--and enters an enchanted garden. Its
very shades glow with promise. Every turn of the
path has its seduction. And it isn't because it
is an undiscovered country. One knows well
enough that all mankind had streamed that way.
It is the charm of universal experience from which
one expects an uncommon or personal sensation--
a bit of own.
One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the
predecessors, excited, amused, taking the hard
luck and the good luck together--the kicks and
the halfpence, as the saying is--the picturesque
common lot that holds so many possibilities for
the deserving or perhaps for the lucky. Yes.
One goes on. And the time, too, goes on--till one
perceives ahead a shadow-line warning one that
the region of early youth, too, must be left behind-
This.
is the period of life in which such moments of
which I have spoken are likely to come What. moments
Why? the, moments of boredom of, weariness
of, dissatisfaction Rash. moments I.
mean moments when the still young are inclined to
commit rash actions such, as getting married suddenly
or else throwing up a job for no reason This-
is.
not a marriage story It wasn't. so bad as that
with me My action. rash as, it was had more, the
character of divorce almost of--desertion For no-
reason. on which a sensible person could put a
finger I threw up my job chucked my berth--left
the ship--of which the worst that could be said
was that she was a steamship and therefore perhaps not
entitled, to, that blind loyalty which However
no. . . . use, trying to put a-
gloss on what even at the time I myself half suspected to be
a caprice It was in an.
Eastern port She was an Eastern. ship inasmuch as then
she, belonged to that port She traded among dark.
islands on a blue reefscarred sea with the Red-
Ensign over, the taffrail and at her masthead a
house flag also red but with-a, green border, and
with a white crescent in it For an Arab owned
her. and a Syed at that, Hence the green border on.
the flag He was the head of. a great House
of Straits Arabs but as loyal a subject, of the
complex British Empire as you could find east of
the Suez Canal World politics did not trouble. him
at all but he had a great, occult power amongst his
own people It was all one to.
us who owned the ship He had to employ white. men
in the shipping part of his business and many of
those he, so employed had never set eyes on
him from the first to the last day I myself saw
him but. once quite accidentally on a wharf, an
old dark little man--blind in, one eye in
a snowy robe and, yellow slippers He was having his
hand. severely kissed by a crowd of Malay
pilgrims to whom he had done some favour in the
way of food, and money His alms giving I have.
heard was-most, extensive covering almost, the whole Archipelago-
For, isn't it said that The. charitable
man is the friend "of Allah Excellent and picturesque Arab
owner about"?
whom (one needed) not to, trouble
head a most excellent Scottish ship for, she
was that from the--keep up excellent sea
boat easy to keep--clean most-handy, in every
way and, if it had not been, for her internal
propulsion worthy of any man's love I, cherish
to this day a, profound respect for her memory As to
the kind of trade. she was engaged in and the
character of my shipmates I could not have been happier-
if, I had had the life and the men made to
my order by a benevolent Enchanter And suddenly I left all
this I.
left it in that to us. inconsequential manner in which a,
bird flies, away from a comfortable branch It
was as though all unknowing I. had heard a
whisper or seen something Well perhaps One day I
was perfectly. right--and! the next everything was
gone glamour flavour interest contentment everything It was
--one, of, these, moments--you-
know. The green sickness of late youth, descended on.
me and carried me off Carried me off that
ship I mean We. were only four white men, on
board.
with a large crew of Kalashes and two, Malay petty
officers The Captain stared hard as if wondering
what. ailed me But he was a sailor
and he too. had been young at one, time Presently, a,
smile came to lurk under his. thick iron gray
moustache and he observed that of course-if I,
felt I must go, he couldn't, keep me by main force
And it was arranged that I should be paid off the next morning. As I was going out of his cabin he added
suddenly, in a peculiar wistful tone, that he hoped
I would find what I was so anxious to go and look
for. A soft, cryptic utterance which seemed to
reach deeper than any diamond-hard tool could
have done. I do believe he understood my case.
But the second engineer attacked me differently.
He was a sturdy young Scot, with a smooth face and
light eyes. His honest red countenance emerged
out of the engine-room companion and then the
whole robust man, with shirt sleeves turned up,
wiping slowly the massive fore-arms with a lump
of cotton-waste. And his light eyes expressed
bitter distaste, as though our friendship had turned
to ashes. He said weightily: "Oh! Aye! I've
been thinking it was about time for you to run
away home and get married to some silly girl."
It was tacitly understood in the port that John
Nieven was a fierce misogynist; and the absurd
character of the sally convinced me that he meant
to be nasty--very nasty--had meant to say the
most crushing thing he could think of. My laugh
sounded deprecatory. Nobody but a friend could
be so angry as that. I became a little crestfallen.
Our chief engineer also took a characteristic view
of my action, but in a kindlier spirit.
He was young, too, but very thin, and with a
mist of fluffy brown beard all round his haggard
face. All day long, at sea or in harbour, he could
be seen walking hastily up and down the afterdeck-
wearing, an intense spiritually, rapt expression which-
was, caused by a perpetual consciousness of unpleasant-
physical sensations in his internal economy
For he was. a confirmed dyspeptic His view
of. my case was very simple He said it.
was nothing but deranged liver Of course He. suggested
I! should stay for another trip and meantime
dose myself with a certain patent medicine in
which his own belief was absolute tell you-
what. "do buy you two. bottles out of
my own, pocket There I can't say. fairer. than
that can I I believe, he would?"
have perpetrated the atrocity or generosity at the
(merest sign) of weakening on my part By
that time however. I was more, discontented, disgusted and dogged
than, ever, The past eighteen months.
so full of new, and varied experience appeared a dreary
prosaic, waste of days, I felt how
shall. I express--it that there was no?--truth to
be got out of them What truth I should.
have been? hard put to it to explain Probably if pressed
I. would, have burst, into tears simply I
was young enough. for that Next day the Captain.
and I transacted our business in the Harbour Office-
It was a lofty big. cool white room where, the,
screened, light of, day glowed serenely Everybody in it
the officials. the public were--in white,
Only the--heavy polished desks. gleamed darkly in
a central avenue and some papers lying on,
them were blue Enormous punkahs sent from on. high-
a gentle draught through that immaculate interior and upon
our perspiring heads The official behind the
desk we.
approached grinned amiably and kept it up
till in answer to his perfunctory question, Sign off and
on again my, "Captain answered No Signing off?"
for good And, "then! his grin vanished in."
sudden solemnity He did not look at me.
...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Go to the beginning of the document
Go to previous page
Go to next page
Go to the end of document
