Gammer Gvrtons Nedle
anonymous
The Prologue.
As Gammer Gurton, with manye a wyde styche
Sat pesynge & patching of Hodg her mans briche
By chance or misfortune as shee her geare tost
In Hodge lether bryches her needle shee lost,
When Diccon the bedlem had hard by report
That good Gammer Gurton was robde in thyssorte,
He quyetly perswaded with her in that stound
Dame Chather deare gossyp this needle had found,
Yet knew shee no more of this matter (alas)
Then knoeth Tom our clarke whatthe Priest saith at masse
Here of there ensued so fearfull a fraye,
Mas Doctor was sent for these gossyps to staye,
Because he was Curate and estemed full wyse
Who found that he sought not by Diccons deuice,
When all thinges were tombled and cleane out of fassion
Whether it were by fortune or some other constellacion
Sodenlye the neele Hodge found by the prickynge
And drew it out of his bottocke where he felt it stickynge
Theyr hartes then atrest with perfect securytie.
With a pot of good nale they stroake vp theyr plauditie.
The fyrst Acte. The fyrst Sceane
Diccon.
Diccon
Many a myle haue I walked, diuers and sundry waies
And many a good mans house haue I bin at in my daies
Many a gossips cup in my tyme haue I tasted
And many a broche and spyt, haue I both turned and basted
Many a peece of bacon haue I had out of thir balkes
In ronnyng ouer the countrey, with long and were walkes,
Yet came my foote neuer, within those doore cheekes,
To seeke flesh orfysh Garlyke Onyons or Leekes,
That euer I saw a sorte, in such a plyght
As here within this house appereth to my syght,
There is howlynge and scowlyng, all cast in a dumpe,
With whewling and pewling, as though they had lost a trump
Syghing and sobbing they weepe and they wayle
I maruell in my mynd, whatthe deuill they wayle
The olde Trotsyts groning,with alas and alas,
And Tib wringes her hands,and takes on in worse case
With poore Cocke theyr boye they be dryuen in such fyts
I feare mee the folkes be not well in theyr wyts
Aske them what they ayle, or who brought them in this staye?
They auuswer not at all,but alacke and welaway
Whan I saw it booted not out at doores I hyed mee
And caught a slyp of Bacon, when I saw that none spyed mee,
Which I intend not far hence vnles my purpose fayle
Shall serue for a shoinghorne to draw on two pots of ale.
The fyrst Acte. The second Sceane.
Hodge. Diccon.
Hodge
See so cham arayed with dablynge in the durt
She that set me to ditchinge, ich wold she had the squrt
Was neuer poore soule that such a life had ?
Gogs bones thys vylthy glaye hase drest mee to bad
Gods soule, see how this stuffe teares
Iche were better to bee a Bearward and set to keepe Beares
By the Masse here is a gasshe, a sharnefull hole in deade
And one stytch teare furder, a man may thruste in his heade
Diccon
By my fathers soule Hodge, if I shulde now be sworne
I can not chuse but say thy breech is foule be-torne
But the next remedye in such acaseand hap
Is to plaunche on a piece, as brode as thy cap.
Hodge
Gogs soule man, tis not yet two dayes fully ended
Synce my dame Gurton (chem sure) these breches amended,
But cham made such a drudge to trudge at euery neede
Chwold rend it though it were stitched wyth sturdy pacthreede,
Diccon
Hoge, let thy breeches go, and speake and tell mee soone
What deuill ayleth gammer gurton, & Tib her mayd to frowne,
Hodge
Tush man thart deceyued tys theyr dayly looke,
They coure so ouer ye coles, theyr eyes be bleard with smooke,
Diccon
Nay by the masse, I perfectly perceiued as
I came hether
That eyther Tib & her dame hath ben by the eares together
Or els as great a matter as thou shalt shortly see.
Hodge
Now iche beseeche our Lord they neuer better agree.
Diccon
By gogs soule there they syt as still as stones in the streite
As though they had ben taken with fairies or els wt some il sprite
Hodge
Gogs hart, I durst haue layd my cap to a crowne
Chwould lerne of some prancome as sone as ich came to town.
Diccon
Why Hodge art thou inspyred? or dedst thou therof here?
Hodge
Nay but ich saw such a wonder as ich saw nat ths vii. yere
Tome Tannkards Cow (be gogs bones) she set me vp her saile
And flynging about his halfe aker fysking with her taile,
As thoughthere had ben in her ars a swarme of Bees,
And chad not cryed tphrowh hoore shead lept out of his Lees.
Diccon
Why Hodg lies the connyng in Tom tankards cowes taile?
Hodge
Well ich chaue hard some say such tokens do not fayle,
But canst yu not tell in faith Diccon, why she frownes or wher at
Hath no man stolne her Ducks or Henes, or gelded gyb her Cat
Diccon
What deuyll can I tell man, I cold not haue one word
They gaue no more hede to my talk then thou woldst to a lorde
Hodge
Iche can not styll but muse what meruaylous thinge it is
Chyll in and know my selfe what matters are arnys.
Diccon
Then farewell hodge a while, synce thou doest inward hast,
For I will into the good wyfe Chats, to feele how the ale dooth taste.
The fyrst Acte. The thyrd Sceane.
Hodge. Tyb.
Hodge
CHam agast by the masse, ich wot not what to do
Chad nede blesse me well before ich go them to
Perchaunce sonie felon sprit may haunt our house indeed,
And then chwere but a noddy to venter where cha no neede
Tib
Cham worse then mad by the masse to be at this staye
Cham chyd cham blamd, and beaton all thoures on the daye,
Lamed and hunger storued, prycked vp all in Jagges
Hauyng no patch to hyde my backe, saue a few rotten ragges.
Hodge
I say Tyb, if thou be Tyb, as I trow sure thou bee,
What deuyll make a doe is this betweene our dame and thee.
Tyb
Gogsbreade Hodg thou had a good turne thou warte not here this while.
It had ben better for some of vs to haue ben hence a myle
My Gammer is so out of course, and frantyke all at ones
That Cocke our boy, & I poore wench haue felt it on our bones.
Hodge
What is the matter, say on Tib wherat she taketh so on.
Tyb
She is vndone she sayth (alas,) her ioye and life is gone
If shee here not of some comfort, she is sayth but dead
Shall neuer come within her lyps, one inch of meate ne bread.
Hodge
Bur Ladie cham not very glad, to see her in this dumpe
Cholde a noble her stole hath fallen, & shee hath broke her rumpe
Tyb
Nay and that were the worst, we wold not greatly care
For bursting of her huckle bone, or breakyng of her Chaire
But greatter greater is her grief, as hodge we shall all feele.
Hodge
Gogs woundes Tyb, my gammer has neuer lost her Neele?
ryb
Her Neele.
Hodge
Her Neele?
rib
Her neele by him that made me, it is true Hodge
I tell thee.
Hodge
Gogs sacrament, I would she had lost tharte out of her bellie
The Deuill or els his dame, they ought her sure a shame
How a murryon came this chaunce. (say Tib) vnto our dame?
Tyb
My gammer sat her downe on her pes, & bad me reach thy breeches
And by & by, a vengeance in it or she had take two stitches
To clap a clout vpon thine ars, by chaunce a syde she leares
And gyb our cat in the milke pan, she spied ouer head and eares
Ah hore out thefe she cryed aloud, & swapt the breches downe
Up went her staffe, and out leapt gyb, at doors into the towne
And synce that time was neuer wyght, cold set their eies vpon it
Gogs malison chaue Cocke and I, byd twenty times light on it.
Hodge
And is not then my breches sewid vp, to morow yt I shuld were
Tyb
No in faith hodge thy breeches lie, for al this neuer the nere.
Hodge
Now a vengeance light on al ye sort, yt better shold haue kept it,
The cat the house, and tib our maid, yt better shold haue swept it
Se where she commeth crawling come on in twenty deuils way
Ye haue made a fayre daies worke haue you not? pray you say.
The fyrste Acte. The....
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